If you ever struggled with loving yourself, hit rock bottom, and are always the very last priority after everyone else in your life, you're going to love this episode with Trey Anthony, the author of "Black Girl in Love (with Herself)". This is THE self-help book that gives black women a relatable voice and supports them on how to practice self-care and self-love.
Since Trey could never truly relate to all the personal development experts because of the color of her skin, she has written the book she would have needed as a black woman that often acted like she didn't exist.
Growing up, she was taught that self-love and expressing emotions were weak, and that she had to be a strong woman. This lead to Trey hitting rock bottom just a year ago, when she found herself crying on the bathroom floor and her life fell apart. She had a deep conversation with God/Universe: She then knew she had to make her mess her message and help others heal, too.
IN TODAY’S EPISODE, WE TALK ABOUT
Why we so often ignore red flags in relationships - and how to no longer do that!
How she got back up after her life fell apart as soon as she adopted a 2-week old baby
Why avoiding emotions is not a weakness at all
How to be kinder to yourself
Her top tips on how to kickstart your self-love journey when all you want to do is run away
And so much more!
You can find the full show notes here:
martinafink.com/podcast/128
Have you downloaded the free Perfectionist Self-Care Bundle yet? Click here to access it:
martinafink.lpages.co/perfectionist-bundle
EPISODE RESOURCES
Sign up for the 2021 New Year's Vision Mini Retreat on January 23, 2021
(offer limited, expires on Jan, 22, 2021)
You Can Heal Your Life - by Louise Hay
Get Trey's Book: Black Girl In Love With Herself
CONNECT WITH TREY
treyanthony.com
Instagram
Facebook
TODAY’s EPISODE TRANSCRIBED:
Martina: This is episode number 128 with Trey Anthony.
Welcome to the Glow Life Podcast. The one and only place for ambitious, high achieving and perfectionist women like you who want to leave, overwhelm behind. Turn self doubt into self confidence. And learn to trust yourself again, so that you can work less fully love and accept yourself and live a fulfilled and glowing life.
Every week, I'll be giving you tips and inspiration on how to think less, feel more slow down and use your body and your daily habits to help you step up, level up and glow up in all areas of your life. This is not just about the big shifts, you can glow just a little more every single day.
Welcome back to the glow Live podcast. Today we're going to talk about self love, it's going to be a very, very, very beautiful episode that Trey and I have created for you. But before we dive in, I wanted to quickly remind you that on this coming weekend, Saturday, January 21, I am hosting a 2021 New Year's vision mini retreat. This is an online event to help you create new visions. It's also a time for you where you get to develop ideas and inspiration for this new year. And we are going to get together as a group of international women, which I'm really excited about from everywhere in the world where we are going to set intentions for the workshop but also for the year. And we usually start our workshops off with a celebration party.
So this is not your regular sit down and map out your logical goals for the year kind of event, we're going to bring in all the emotions that we need to create a beautiful vision for this new year. So after celebrating where we are right now, in our lives, no matter how much you feel like you are on your path or off your path, it does not matter we're gonna celebrate anyway, then we're going to dive into brainstorming, planning, making sure that you're prioritizing the right things in this new year. And we will do a beautiful visualization and journaling practice where you get to dive into the emotion of it and into the imagery of what your life will look like this year. And get really clear on the fears that are holding you back so far, or why the things you want to achieve this year haven't happened in your life quite yet.
Towards the end of our workshop, there will be time to share all of the things that have come up for you in this class. And there is also time to ask questions and get coached by me with anything that's coming up for you around your goals. Why you deserve them, why you feel like you may not deserve them all of the things right? Sometimes we believe we want something but we're not fully ready to dive in and face the fears that come along with it right. Because big visions and big dreams usually come with a big load of fear, because we are not quite there yet. And the fears are trying to hold us back and keep us stuck where we are.
So if this sounds like something you would love to be a part of spending a Saturday morning, afternoon, depending on where you live in the world with a group of women brainstorming, dancing, celebrating vibing high into this new year, then head over to my shownotes the link below and you can find the link to sign up there. You can also just head to my website, Martina fink.com and sign up there as well.
And now let's get started with Trey Anthony. And if you ever struggled with loving yourself if you ever hit rock bottom, or if you are always the very last priority after everyone else in your own life, you're going to love this episode with Trey because she is the author of black girl in love with herself. This is the self help book that gives black women a relatable voice and supports them on how to practice self care and self love. Everything she says is for any woman no matter what skin color you have. And since Trey could never really relate to all the personal development experts because of the color of her skin. She has written the book she would have needed As a black woman that often acted like she didn't exist.
Growing up, she was taught that self love and expressing emotions were a weakness and that she had to be a strong woman. This led to tread hitting rock bottom, just about a year ago, when she found herself crying on the bathroom floor and her life fell apart. She had a really deep conversation with God or the universe on that day, and then she knew she had to make her mess her message and help others heal as well. In today's episode, we talk about why we so often ignore red flags and relationships, and how to no longer do that, how she got back up after her life fell apart as soon as she adopted a two week old baby. Why avoiding emotions is not a weakness at all. How to be kinder to yourself in everyday situations, her top tips on how to kickstart your self love journey, when all you want to do is run away, and so much more.
And you can find everything we talked about today in the show notes at Martina fink.com slash podcast slash one to eight. Welcome, Trey. I'm so grateful and excited to talk to you today.
Trey: Thank you for having me. I'm excited as well.
Martina: So you have written this beautiful book that was just launched last week, I think, right?
Trey: Yes. Last week, Tuesday.
Martina: Black Girl In Love With Herself.
Trey: Yes.
Martina: What made you write this book?
Trey: Well, for me, it was really about I've always been a big fan of self help books. You know, I read the secret The Four Agreements, you can heal your life by Louise Hay. And I don't think there's a self help book there that I haven't read. Right. Right, Gabrielle Bernstein. And I recognized for myself, as much as I really enjoyed those books, there was something that felt very unique to me as a black woman reading these books, and I didn't think it just encompassed all of my reality. And so I was also at that time in a really great relationship that I believed that I had manifested. And I was kind of like, Oh, you know, I affirmed this, I manifested, I put this out into the universe. And I want to write this book about how to manifest great relationships.
So I got approached by Hay House to do this book. And then of course, they always say, if you want to make God laugh, make a plan. Five months before the book was due to the editor, my whole relationship blew up in my face. And I was just like, okay, I can't write a self help book now about how to mend a wonderful and amazing relationship, if that's not what's happening to me.
So I called them back and I said, I have a book, but I want to write a book about how to get back up off the bathroom floor, when your life no longer looks like what you imagined. And it was really a book of healing for me and really looking at how did I miss a lot of red flags in my own life, how my own childhood really influenced the decisions that I made in my own life. And it really was a book about telling women that sometimes when things don't go according to plan, sometimes it's a divine plan to do some inner work and healing.
Martina: Yeah, I couldn't agree more. It's almost like there's this magic hand orchestrating theme for us and we want we're so attached to how we want things to go. And when they don't go that way. We're like, What just happened? And finding that trust again, and believing that there is something good in all the bad, which is very difficult to understand is is like, I think a key element on that journey?
Trey: Definitely, definitely. Because if you had told me a year ago that I would be on a press tour for a book about the worst moment in my life. I would be like, no. And yet, I think because I had hit rock bottom. And I was so vulnerable and so transparent, about how devastated I was, and how I no longer recognized my life. This was the book that really resonated with folks the most, because I think all of us have had a moment in our life where you wake up and you're like, how could this be my life? Like, what the hell happened here?
Martina: Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. And I've gone through something similar a year and a half ago, and it was the exact same thing like how did this even happen? Same thing, ignoring red flags, like not really following the heart always. But we come to this point where we're left with, the only thing that we can do is now take an action step.
So what happened on that bathroom floor. How did you get back up?
Trey: Yeah, well, it was funny, I said a prayer. And I just want to put it in context for your listeners. I had recently with my partner adopted a brand new baby. So I had a two week old baby, we had just moved into a brand new condo, where we were getting ready to decorate the nursery and everything else. And we had just moved in there about three weeks before I got a text, saying I no longer want to do this relationship. And then the pandemic hit. So I was dealing with all of those things, a brand new baby at demise of a five year relationship, mothering in a pandemic, and I was on that bathroom floor and I said, God, universe, I don't want to live like this.
And they said, I don't want to die. But I don't want to live like this. And I said, I don't know what to do. And it was like, this divine moment. And it was like this voice said to me, make your mess, your message. This is going to heal a lot of people, but you need to figure out how you got here. And it was just like this calmness went over. And he and I looked in the mirror. And I was just like, you know what, Trey, you haven't been loving yourself enough. And starting today, this is what self love is going to look like. Because you gave that job of loving you over to someone else. And now you don't know how to do it. And so that was really what happened on that floor. Like I really made a commitment to myself that I was going to practice self care and self love every single day.
But also look at why I had chosen to really avoid and pretend not to see all of the red flags that were happening in my relationship and how I chose partners and how I gave and gave and gave and really expected nothing back. And where did I learn that from? Right? So it was really this new revelation of like, Okay, we got to reinvent you, because you've been making some really bad choices. And it would be really easy to make my ex partner the villain, but I set the common denominator in how things have ended in your relationship. Are you like you choose the same people over and over again? And you got to do something different?
Martina: Yeah, there's always two people in every situation, every conflict, any real difficult situations. Like you said, we get ourselves into it, we could have checked out earlier. So when you say, you know, you went down this journey of identifying the red flags? What What did you find out? Why were there so many red flags that you ignored?
Trey: For me, I think the biggest one and I talked about this in the book, I think, especially when women reached the ages between 35 to 40. And I could say for myself, definitely, I had this checklist and the timeline in my head, right? So it was kind of like, well, you meet your divine person by age 30, you buy your first house together, you have children together. And you should have your career at this point, you should do this. And you should do that. And to be really honest, I did not want to start again with somebody I just dislike, I'm too old for the shit right now. I don't want to start again, asking somebody what their favorite color is, I just really don't care. Right.
So I was just like, I am invested in this relationship. I want it to work. And I'm going to do everything in my power to make it work. And to be quite honest, too. I have curated this wonderful life on social media with my partner. And so I was just like, I don't want anyone to not put hashtag couple goals underneath my picture anymore. Right? And so I was just like, I am going to make this work. And I ignored the fact that I was the only one rowing this boat. And because I was so invested in it. And so for me, that was one of the reasons why I ignored a lot of red flags. I also ignored a lot of red flags, because I tend to be which is fun to eat, that it can really work in your favor, a very optimistic person. Like I'm always like, the glass is full. And so there's also a flip side to that if you're the type of person who's always like, I can make this work. There's a positive something in this. Right.
It really worked against me because I instead of listening to that little voice might be a little off here. I was like No, let me dig for the positivity. There's something good in here. And so I think that was really my biggest concern and then so My relationship, my partner was quite much more financially secure than me. And so there was definitely a component of financial security that the relationship provided for me that I never had, I came from a background, a childhood of always experiencing a lot of money insecurity in my household. And I didn't realize until I got out of that relationship, and I ran about it really, in a very vulnerable way. I said, I gave up a lot of my power and became the child in this relationship, because I wanted somebody to finally take care of me. And so because of that, I ignored a lot of things and didn't show up as a fully actualized adult in the relationship.
And so I gave a lot of my power away, I gave a lot of my voice away, because I was so invested in someone finally, taking care of me, in a way financially, but I ignored the piece that sometimes people also have to take care of you emotionally. And that's the part that was really missing.
Martina: And it's so interesting how our childhood behavior just keeps coming up until we learned the lessons the hard way, right?
Trey: Oh, girl, yes. And the universe will let you make that learn that lesson, you can run away from it. And I talk about that in the book, I ran away from this for so many years, around what I call my money shape, right of growing up poor growing up working class, having a family who weren't able to provide for me having a very transient childhood of moving from home to home. And I ignored that. That's how I showed up in a lot of relationships of hoping that someone will say, I got you, or you know, you don't have to worry about money, or this is a safe space, instead of creating it for myself. And so it was only after I did the work in a work and I went to therapy. I was like, Okay, what is missing here? What happened here? And, and that was really the biggest piece of the little girl who showed up in that relationship, wanting someone to love her and take care of her.
Martina: Beautiful. And then the first thing is to love yourself and take care of yourself.
Trey: Right? Exactly. And that was the lesson like I was just like, you can no longer give that to somebody else to do for you. That has to come from you.
Martina: And what did that look like? Specifically, when you started loving yourself more? Like, what were the things you started doing for you? Would there be like a first number one thing that you would recommend everybody should do if they're starting on this journey as well.
Trey: I think the first thing that I would recommend is journaling, I think you have to have a really honest conversation with yourself. And for me, it was sitting down with that little eight year old nine year old tray and saying what are you scared of? Like, really? What are you scared of? And for me, when I started writing it, one of it was like, I was I was scared of being alone. I was scared of someone not loving me enough. I was scared that someone would say, oh, someone like you doesn't deserve to be loved. You're you're poor. You know, you're, you're a chubby black girl, you are this you are that and all of those messaging came up.
And so you have to have a really honest conversation about to that little girl to say okay, and then the second part is then how do we now take care of you in a way that feels safe for you. And that was something that I started to do. Like, I started to really look at the relationship that I had with money. And I started to do money, affirmations, I started to educate myself around money. I got a financial planner, I got a well done, I started watching all of these YouTube videos about money. I also went to therapy, that was a huge healing part for me. And then exercise was another good thing meditation, buying my own damn flowers for myself instead of waiting for someone to buy me flowers. Right?
Because that was showing me that I was worthy. Like, I was like, why are you waiting for someone to do that for you? Right? And something as simple as saying to myself, you also can rest when you're tired. I'm really a type A personality. And that was a way that I got a lot of kind of, you know, accolades and Pat's on my back was everyone's like, Oh, she's, you know, she's so accomplished. She worked so hard. She's a high achiever. And sometimes I was, you know, dead tired. And I was doing all of these things because I wanted people to praise me. And so one of my biggest self care tips was acknowledging when I was tired, and also learning to say no, that I didn't have to be this people pleaser of everybody saying yes to so many things. Because I wanted everybody to like me. Yeah. So that was another big thing for me.
Martina: Yeah. So you literally covered everything, all the self care tips that everybody should get started from buying yourself flowers to resting and saying no. And journaling, like all of those things are so great. And I believe the most important step in loving yourself, like you say, is having a conversation with you. Because we constantly have conversations with other people. We watch conversations in movies, and you know, social media, but we rarely take the time to actually have that conversation with ourselves. So I love that you started with that, because it's, it's needed.
Trey: And it's so needed. There's a part in the book where I said, If I was a black girl in love with myself, I would sit by myself and be with myself. And knowing being by myself doesn't mean I normally are desperate, it will give me a chance to have conversations with myself and the universe to find out who I am. And that was a really important part for me, because I think I made myself so busy. So I didn't have to have these conversations with myself and listen to my gut. Right?
So I became this person who was going from one project to another busy, busy, busy work, work, work, pouring all of my emotions also into my partner in my relationship, and not looking at, hey, like, what about you? Where do you fit into this? Right? And then I think a lot of times, too, we also associate, being by yourself with being lonely, or being alone with lonely. And I think we need to really examine that conversation that we give to women that the only time you can feel like you've accomplished something, is if you're in a relationship, and somebody has picked you, right? And I'm kind of like, no, now we need to pick ourselves. And I was really guilty of that, of thinking that my relationship status was more important than my own happiness.
Martina: Yeah. And it's something that is very ingrained in our society of what a successful woman looks like. Like, the type of woman you described is exactly the type of woman I work with, in my coaching practice. Because I used to be that woman two, couple years ago, you know, of like working really hard. And it's so much more important what's in my CV than how I actually feel and kind of just almost like, having the mindset of, well, I just signed up for this kind of life. That's just what it's going to be like, you know, everybody is doing that everybody is working a job and working hard and burning themselves out. And then at the same time somehow building a relationship and starting a family and like, just because everybody else does that doesn't mean you have to do it too wild, burning yourself to the ground.
Trey: Right, exactly. And I think it's giving ourselves permission to change our mind. And to make changes, because a lot of times we stain things, because we're kind of like, well, we went down that path, right? And this is what I chose. And this is like you said, the life that I chose, but you can also stop in your life and go, Hey, this no longer fits me, this no longer serves me, this is no longer who I want to be. And sometimes you don't even have that choice, because I would have still been in that same light. But the universe was like, hey, this no longer fits you. This no longer serves you. So I'm gonna blow it up in your face. Because you ain't going nowhere. Unless I change this for you. Right?
Martina: I agree. I saw this quote a couple years ago that said something like, I had to make you uncomfortable, otherwise, you wouldn't have loose from the universe. So it's like, if I don't get all the million red flags that I'm showing you, then I have to kind of rip you out of your life,
Trey: Rip you out of your life. And that's exactly what happened to me. Like I was like, Okay, I'm going down this path that the universe was like, No, look, look, look, the whole path. You cannot go down this path any longer. So we're just gonna destroy it. So you have no choice but to go somewhere else.
Martina: Beautiful. I mean, not so beautiful in the moment, but the outcome, obviously beautiful
Trey: In the outcome. Yes. Because in that moment, girl, I was just like, I don't think I'm gonna make this type of something. I can say I don't think I like this. I don't think I'm going to make it. But here I am. On the other side of that. And I think that's what I offer to women in the book is those moments when you hit rock bottom, and then you realize your rock bottom. He also has steps leading them to a basement. You will be surprised at how you're able to slowly get back up and rebuild. Right. And you're going to surprise yourself and I never thought I was going to make it and here I am.
Martina: I know funny, huh? In that moment, you think it's the end of the world. Yeah,
Trey: Definitely.
Martina: suddenly the strength comes to come to get back up and start again.
Trey: And start again. Yeah. And you'd be stronger and wiser and better for it.
Martina: You learn your lessons the hard way, sometimes
Trey: the hard way, the hard way.
Martina: How do you think your story specifically resonates with other black women who go through similar?
Trey: I think for me, there is definitely a component in the book where I talk about vulnerability. And I talk about as a black woman, I never learned my mother is Jamaican, my grandmother's also Jamaican, very hard working women. And what I learned from them was, there's no room to break down and cry, that you just get back up. And I remember when I was going through all of this, my mother came to help me with my son. And she said to me, Well, you know, you can't make this destroy you. You have to remember your grandmother and your mother had it way worse.
And I write in the book, at that moment, I realized that my mother can give me pep talks of how to be strong. But what my mother can't give me is information and knowledge of how to be tender and soft to myself. And at that moment, I didn't want a pep talk, what I wanted was the safe space, to be able to break down and cry and say, I'm scared, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I need someone to hold me physically and emotionally. And that was not something that my mother was capable of.
And so having a conversation with so many black women, a lot of women say to me, we always get that, you know, and every person heard the strong black woman, stereotype of, oh, we're strong. And I said, but what if you're not? Right, then what happens? And so I think that's where the book really resonates with a lot of black women of giving them the space to say, we need to stop encouraging that dialogue. And I myself, I said in the book, I was guilty of it, of when my friends came to me, I'd be like, Girl, you got this, and I'll send them empowering quotes. And I'll be like, I got you back.
And instead of just saying, Hey, sis, maybe you might want to cry about Let me hear what you need from me. How can I support you? Right, or really sucks, you must feel really hurt about that. Right? And I think a lot of times, I went into this mode of like, I'm going to be your cheering squad, where sometimes you just need to open your arms to people and say, I'm gonna just create a circle of love around you. And you need to break down and feel safe in that. And that was something that I had to learn.
Martina: Yeah, it's something that is also very unique to our feminine nature of providing a space and being nurturing and caring. However, we, I feel like this is something that's happening in in the entire world now, like women are becoming more aware of that feminine gifts that we have of actually providing care and a safe place and nourishment and compassion to other people and ourselves, which we have been neglecting for a long time in this very masculine driven world of like, you have to work hard, you have to have a career, you have to tick all the boxes. It's beautiful to see.
But it's really hard because we have to constantly question our own beliefs and our own behavior around how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. Because what I see often now is women are more and more compassionate with other women, and like, you know, have a more compassionate pep talk. Yeah, I would say but then with themselves, they're still like, No, you shouldn't be. Yeah. So that's kind of like the next layer that women need to learn is to also hold that space for themselves.
Trey: Yes, definitely. Definitely. Definitely.
Martina: So beautiful. So if you were to give your younger self some advice,
Trey: what would you say? I would say, it gets better. And you don't have to be so critical of yourself that you are doing a really great job, you know, and I think for me, I grew up with a mother and grandmother who were always like, Okay, well, what's next? What are you going to do? If I had three A's and came with one B, they'd be like, what's this be doing here? And so, for me, I was really hard on myself really hyper critical of myself. And I think I I would just say to my younger self, you're doing a great job, you're really doing your best, and you're amazing.
And that was something even in the book, every single chapter of the book, ends with affirmations. And a lot of those affirmations are rooted in just love and kindness, you know, like, I am worthy of love. Today, I'm going to be soft and tender with myself. I show up each and every day in my authentic self. Life supports me, wherever I go, I'm fully loved. So it's every single chapter has some sort of affirmation. And that was something that was also part of my self help, and self care and healing for myself, is the daily affirmations instead of listening to that negative voice in my head was like, Oh, you're not working hard enough? Or Oh, you're so stupid, or why would you think that? Or, you know, I started to say, No, I'm gonna switch that voice out into something that actually affirms my worthiness and my value.
Martina: Hmm, yes. That's a great, great first step to do. So hard sometimes, though. Yes, yes.
Trey: And, you know, and to be honest, like, some days, I'm really great at it. And then there's some days I'm like, Oh, God, right. And so I think, like I said, In the book, it's, it's an ongoing journey. You never get to that final destination of like, oh, every single day, I love myself. And every single day, I'm doing my affirmations. And every day, I think I'm great. No, right. But if you can get to a 6040, we're doing good girl. Right. And we just keep building up for that. And that's what I say, because I was always on the far extreme of negative talk. Right? So I'm trying every single day to at least get to some balance, and be on the other flip side of that more days than not.
Martina: Yeah, and also not judging you for coming back. It will always be there. It's not something Yes, we can ever, you know, avoid or completely eliminate from our lives, we just get better at handling it. And I feel like a first big step is to not judge when that voice comes up. If there are like you said, there are days where it comes up louder, and others were a little more taking a break, taking a break from
Trey: you taking a break. That's right.
Martina: What would you say has been the biggest lesson that you have learned through writing the book, through your experience in the past year,
Trey: my biggest lesson has been when you are open with your hurt, and your shame, and your guilt. It allows others to do the same. If there's one thing that I've heard from the book and women who have been writing me sending me emails, black, white, Asian, indigenous you name it has been, I can't believe I'm not the only one. And you made me really believe that I wasn't alone. And I thank you for being this vulnerable. Because it's now allowing me to have difficult conversations with my friend's family myself. And I cannot believe how open you were with your hurts. And for me, it was something that I could no longer carry around shame and guilt by myself anymore.
Because it was eating away at me. And so I think when you put it out in the open, it no longer has control over you anymore. Because I'm like, I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to talk about there are some days that I don't feel good enough I'm going to talk about, there's some days, I don't feel pretty enough that I'm going to talk about sometimes, because I grew up working class, I don't feel that I'm worthy of good and nice things. I'm going to talk about how it feels to love somebody, and they just walk out of your life and not even with a backward glance, see how you're doing and how that hurts like hell. And I'm going to talk about how I gave away my power, because I didn't think I was worthy enough to be chosen.
And when you have those kind of conversations, and you say this is me, other women kind of go oh my god, Yeah, me too. So that is what I have found with this book. When I keep saying, I realized when I said let my mess be my message. It was the universe's way of saying other women are going to heal from you and your mess because a lot of us are in a lot of damage. A lot of times we think it's
Martina: it's wild. Like we really think the thing we are experiencing and struggling with the most it's only me like Poor me that I have two experiences. Nobody in the entire world will be able to understand how that feels. But your vulnerability and your willingness to be so open about how you felt and what you were going through. It just shows that we're all the same. Like everybody the same. Everybody goes through heartbreak and difficult situations and yeah, amen. Makes you feel less alone?
Trey: Yes, definitely.
Martina: I have a couple of quick questions for you. Yeah, for sure. So first, I would love to know what it means to you personally to live a glowing life.
Trey: Oh, for me to live a glowing life means that I stand in my authenticity at all times, that I stand in my truth. I stand in my worthiness. And I allow myself to be loved by others, but also I allow myself to give love to myself.
Martina: Beautiful. Love it. What are some of the self care things that you do every day?
Trey: One of the biggest ones, and this is a funny that people always like, why are you going to bed so early? I'm in bed by nine. And it's because I realize I need my sleep. I'm also a new mom. And I know, in order to get through my day, I need sleep. And that was something I used to be one of those people who prided herself on Team no sleep and getting four hours a day and being like, Oh, I only sleep four hours and look at me. And I'm like, no. Right? Exactly. And I was like, No, you have to guard your sleep. Like, but yeah, like high security. And for me, high security, high security sleep. That's what I call it high security sleep. I do not make anybody's thought before my sleep. I'm like, No, I need my sleep.
The other self care thing I do. Exercise has been essential for me. And meditation, and I run at least every other day. And I just want to tell all your listeners, I was not one of those people who is like, Oh, you know, I'm always training for a marathon and look at me in my running gear. Not at all. You know, when I started this journey, I was nearly 90 pounds overweight, I could barely jog for 20 seconds. And it was something that I started to do every day of just saying, Okay, well walk for 30 minutes. And out of that walk, run for two. And then you walk for one. And that's how I started to build up to now running four to five k every other day. But it was a hard thing for me. But I realized it was something that really helped with my mental health. Right.
So that was something that was really essential and dealing with my depression and anxiety. That was something that I realized the days that I ran, I was able to be much more emotionally in tuned with myself. So that was something that I really did for myself care. And the other thing, I think, especially in the pandemic, is making a conscious effort every day to reach out to somebody and see someone face to face. And so even if that's important, me now it's always FaceTime. But making that human connection.
Because I realize a lot of us, there's this false sense of community, because you think you see your friends and family on social media. But we really haven't said Oh, I'm actually going to call you I'm actually want to see your face, I actually want to talk to you. So that has been something that I've been really conscious and deliberate about is at least doing a 10 minute conversation face to face with another human being that doesn't involve work. Every day at work does not count. You have to have that emotional connection with someone who loves you in your life. Right?
Martina: Yeah, it's beautiful. And we just forgot to make phone calls. Like the phone. Yeah, phone rarely ever rings these days. It's always like messages and Instagram. Yes, yeah, I love that I can definitely do a better job at that. Now, if you were to go on a desert island, what would be one thing you would take with you
Trey: my copy of the book, Louise Hay, you can heal your life that has been my Bible for so many years and has really healed me in ways magical ways. And I don't think I would have been able to write the book, blackhole in love with herself if I did not have that as a template of what Ward's can do, and how someone can really shift your mindset for you. So for me, that's the book I go to time and time again. It's the book that I give out to friends and family. And so that is Yeah, that's my safe space for me.
Martina: I mean, Louise Hay was really the queen of affirmations.
Trey: Yeah. And that's where the first time I heard about affirmations was reading that book. And even then I was a little bit cynical as I was saying something like this can change your damn life. And I was like, Oh, okay. really saw the power in that.
Martina: What are three things that you are grateful for today Trey?
Trey: I'm really grateful for my sense of humor. I think if I did not have the ability to laugh at some of the antics that I have done in the name of love, I wouldn't I don't think I would be here today. Like, I really have this amazing ability to laugh at myself a lot. And kind of go, okay, girl, we ain't doing that shit again, right? We really are doing that again. And what have you learned, and that is something that my family have really instilled in us. We are a laughing family. We are a dysfunctional family. But we are a family. And I think that is something that I'm really grateful for. I'm really grateful for my son. It was not how I explained it to parent, it was not the family unit that I thought, but he really became my why of getting up from the bathroom floor.
Because I don't think I would have gotten up just for myself, I was just like, there's a little being who is counting on you. And you made a commitment to show up in the best way possible. And so for me, that is something that I'm truly grateful for that he came into my life when he did, because also, the way I speak to him with love and tenderness is really an example of how I need to speak to myself. And so anytime I get really hard on myself, like why would you talk to chi like that? Would you see the chi like, Oh, come on loser Get up. So I switch it, right. So that is another thing that I'm really grateful for. And I'm grateful for the power of words and my ability to write, and to reflect, and to be able to pour my emotions onto paper and page and say, Okay, what are we doing here? Girl? What do we need?
Martina: Beautiful, and what a gift you are for your son to for him to learn how to navigate emotions and difficult situations. You know, like we also Yes, a lot more men to grow up like that, too.
Trey: Yes, that is so important. It's funny, because I say this, a lot of times, when we say especially like old boys don't cry, don't cry, I always just give him room, you know, and I want him to learn to be tender. You know, I have a seven year old nephew. And one of the things that I love is watching my seven year old nephew with my one year old son, because they're so tender with each other. And I want them to still keep that and my seven year old nephew is such a compassionate child. And that is something that I think, as a society we forgotten to really talk about how do we raise compassionate children. And that has been my biggest lesson for me as a mom is that I want my child to be compassionate, and care about people and care about himself and learn how to be tender.
So that's one of the things anytime you know, he's a one year old, and he'll hit and, and you know, sometimes be a little rough and I sometimes say gentle. I said look, you know, touch your cousin's face be crying. But I try and make give him the example of stroking instead of hitting because I want him to learn compassion and gentleness. You know, and I think a lot of that is very loaded sometimes in our community around our own internalized homophobia of what it means to be boys and what it means to be men. And I and it's that thing of like, oh, if we teach them to be that, then quote, unquote, they're gonna be gay. And then even even if they are. But I would rather a compassionate kind boy, than someone who's just going to go through the world, in such a brutal and brutal mentality. I think we've seen examples of what that looks like right now. Yeah, bullies. Yes. So I don't want that.
Martina: And maybe that's your next book. Yes. Raising compassionate children.
Trey: Exactly. Thank you.
Martina: Thank you so much. Great. Is there anything else you would like to share with our listeners today?
Trey: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me. Feel free to follow me on Instagram. I'm at Black Girl in love. I'm also on Facebook, by mme book, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy it. You know, I've had friends who are white and Asian. They're like Trey, can I buy the book? It's this black, cool in love with ourselves. And I say it's a book about creating the life that you truly deserve. And I said, of course, as a black woman, my voice is centered because I'm a black woman writing from my own experience. But I also believe when you write from a level of transparency and vulnerability, it transcends race, it transcends classic transcend sexuality. I had a friend recently who called me a guy and He was like, I just listened to your audio book last night, and I couldn't put it down. And he goes, I know in the book, sometimes you say, Sis, and you say, girl, but I was right there along with you. Right? And he was like, it was just so good. And he cuz I just loved it. Yeah. And I never expected that to be a demographic that the book would talk to you. But he was just like, I loved it. I told everybody around me, go get that book.
Martina: Oh, amazing. And we will share all your links in the show notes together with you your book, of course. And thank you, thank you for talking to me about your brilliant book, I cannot wait to dive in. And maybe I should also listen to the audiobook and kind of fire your listen to your audio book.
Trey: If you're a busy woman I gave up on reading. Once my son came, I used to be like a bookworm avid reader. And then when this little guy hit my life, I was like, there's no way. So I kind of combined This is me multitasking by running with audio books, right? Well, when I'm feeding him, I'll listen to an audio book at the same time. And what is really good with the audio, but there's a bonus to bonus interviews where I don't interview my mom. And her reaction and response to the book and also my sister about growing up with my mom and what that's like. And that, of course is not in the actual book. So the audio book, you get those added bonuses, which I think is a really great thing to have.
Martina: I'm hearing you laugh probably with your family.
Trey: Yes. And I laugh a lot in the book and it's me narrating the book. It's awesome.
Martina: So thank you so much for openly sharing about your story and your challenges. I think everybody will resonate so much with what you have gone through. And yeah, it's it's just been wonderful to talk to you. Thank you so much.
Trey: Thank you and thank you for creating this wonderful space and having me I truly appreciate it.
Martina: What a beautiful episode with Trey I loved everything she shared. so relatable. So genuine, so real. And if you enjoyed this episode, too, please subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. And leave me a review so that even more people can see what this podcast is all about. And they can also listen to these inspirational stories. For everything we mentioned in today's episode, you can go check out the show notes at martinafink.com/podcast/128.
Don't forget to sign up for the 2021 New Year's vision workshop which is happening on Saturday this week. January 23. link is also in the show notes. I would love to connect with you on social media you can find me at Martina glows on all platforms. And if there's anybody in your life that you really think could benefit from this, hitting rock bottom getting back up kind of episode.
With so much self love, please send it to them right now.
Thank you so much for being here today and for listening to our beautiful heartwarming conversation.
We hope that this inspires you to live an even more glowing life.
You deserve to feel healthy, confident empowered, and beautiful.
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Thank you so much for listening to this episode! I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below! If you can think of anyone in your life who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now! <3
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